To Share.. Or Not To Share...?

Thoughts. They seem to be consuming me right now. Maybe I should put this on here.. then again, maybe I shouldn't. Today I was surrounded by my family. People I love. People who love me. Yet, today, for some reason, I felt the most alone I've felt since I've been home. This always seems to happen and I really have no idea why. I always get so excited when I know I'm going to be able to see my family and then it's like when we're all together I feel alone. I feel like no one really knows who I am. I feel like when I talk to them or try to share things with them they don't really care. They listen for a minute and then to some extent tune the rest of what I have to say out or they seem to find an excuse and get up and leave. What am I doing wrong? Why do my friends listen better than my family? Family is for life. Friends can be for life, but so many are here for a season. Why do I feel that I can't be who God wants me to be with my family? So many questions. The hardest part: I don't have any answers. I feel lost. I also haven't smiled with my eyes recently. That makes me sad. I know I'm truly joyful when I smile with my eyes. *Sigh.* Why can't I just be normal?

Tonight I was reading my Bible.. this helped me:

Psalm 33:13-15
The Lord looks from heaven;
He sees all the sons of men.
From the place of His dwelling He looks
On all the inhabitants of the earth;
He fashions their hearts individually;
He considers all their works.

*I love knowing that even now, as I type this, God is looking down on me. He is considering all of my thoughts and works. It's crazy for me to think that He is actually "fashioning my heart individually." God cares about me so much, it's incredible and He cares about you.

Psalm 33:20-22
Our soul waits for the Lord;
He is our help and our shield.
For our heart shall rejoice in Him,
Because we have trusted in His holy name.
Let Your mercy, O Lord, be upon us,
Just as we hope in You.

*For me, sometimes, it's so hard for my soul to wait on the Lord. It makes me smile to know that He is my help and shield. May we continue to trust in His Holy name and may He allow our souls to wait for Him.

Three weeks of the month of June I worked at a Christian Summer Camp working with inner city kids. It was amazing. It was extremely challenging. I grew in my walk with God. I grew closer to friends. I was faced with incredible opportunities. I was faced with things I couldn't handle. I was challenged to look to God for everything.. or to walk in my own strength.
As I came home it was hard for me to allow my emotions to express themselves. At first it was like I was just shutting my emotions off, because I didn't feel like working through them. By the grace of God, friends praying for me as well as talking me through things, and writing. I now feel free. I can feel happy. I can feel sad. I can feel depressed. It's so much better to feel all of these emotions than to just shut them out. We were made to feel things. Not to shut them off.

Here's the poem I wrote that helped me begin to "feel" my emotions again. If you prayed for me, thanks. I appreciate it with all of my heart!


My heart feels sealed,
Because, with emotions it is filled.
As I lie here awake,
I wish that I could forsake
The emotions that I cannot find
That reside in my heart and mind.
As I close my eyes,
Faces and memories come to play.
However, all I desire
Is for these tears to fall.
I don't understand their reasons to stall.
I need to be set free,
So that I can begin to see,
What lies ahead.
No matter what is said,
I will press on.
I have only one plea:
Oh, please, rescue me!
Loose me from these chains,
Of my emotional pains,
So that I can be free
To sail across the sea.